There are times in our journey as sons and daughters of the Most High God that He calls us into the secret places, into the caves where He tucks us away. Times when He calls us to retreat in order that in His due time, we may advance.
I have been in this place of retreat, of being tucked away so that My Precious Father could tend to the deeper parts of my life and my story.
From my limited understanding and my pained heart, I believed I had done something wrong and that I was receiving His punishment.
God repeatedly shared that my perspective was wrong. The way He chose to lead and direct my life was NEVER to bring shame or condemnation. He did it to love and heal the parts of my life that I could not heal on my own.
I remember praying, “I don’t know how to experience more of the freedom You died to give me, but I want it. I don’t know how to get to whatever needs to be healed and I’m not even sure what ‘it’ is, but I welcome You to do whatever it is You need to do.”
Friends, God answered this prayer. Boy oh boy, did He answer it.
The answer came in a dramatically painful, heartbreaking way. Not because He is an abusive Father, not because He likes to see me in pain, and not because He is cruel.
He answered me in such a way that would destroy strongholds and pain at the root. So all that remained would be just small pebbles under my feet. He utterly demolished the effects of my past so I could see things for what they were and have a clear understanding on why I was living in the state that I was.
Before the answer to my prayers came, I was running with God. It was the most alive I had ever felt in the way God had created me to live! His purposes and dreams were being uniquely expressed through writing, speaking and proclaiming the message of freedom. Freedom was my song, my anthem, my story and my declaration! No longer was I paralyzed by the choking grip of fear. Instead I was embracing and living as a daughter of God. The sheer joy I had in this new way of doing life was a breath of fresh air to every single part of my being!
And yet the storm was brewing…
I will never forget the moment on August 2019 when I experienced the betrayal from friends that truly rocked me. It was as though I had been punched in the gut. This was not my first experience with pain in relationships but this one completely took me out. I had a panic attack that night and struggled for the many months that followed.
It’s often been said, that trauma begets trauma. What I experienced in that moment in 2019 was not just that single event of being disappointed and betrayed. No. It was as though every single disappointment and every single hurt came hurdling to the forefront. I was left grappling. I was utterly and completely shaken.
The morning following the panic attack, I was exhausted. But this exhaustion was at a level I had never experienced before. My soul, my body, my mind was overcome. I was done.
I laid in bed for several days. In the darkness of my bedroom, I wanted complete silence. No music, no words…nothing. The tears would pour from my eyes like something within me had imploded. I would force myself from the darkness of our bedroom to eat. I would force myself to shower. Every step I took, my body felt as though it weighed 1,000 pounds. I wanted to die.
Up until this point, I had gone through my share of difficult times, as we all have. I knew how to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I could recite Scripture and encourage my heart in who I was. I could suck it up and move on. I knew how to brush things off and move on, but not this time.
My body was screaming at me through the panic attack, “I’m not going forward like this. You need to stop. STOP.” I didn’t even know what that meant.
So, I continued to let the tears come as they needed. I grieved the loss, the pain and the hurt. And when I was all cried out, when it felt as though the tears had dried up, I thought, surely then I would be better. I wasn’t. What in the world was wrong with me? I was beginning to scare myself.
God told me to lay down the writing, lay down the plans for what was to come. Stop and be still. This was heartbreaking in and of itself because I had tasted and seen a glimpse of what I was created to do and I loved it!
I am unpacking you to take a closer look at what you have adopted as normal.
Around this time, I began to have dreams about houses but more specifically basements and foundations. I asked the Lord what this meant. He shared, “Juliana, you can’t stay here. In the same way I have uprooted your family from life in PEI, I am uprooting the inner parts of you. I’m getting to the foundational parts. So that your life, much like a house, can be rooted and established firmly on My love. I am unpacking you to take a closer look at what you have adopted as normal. I’m going to put you back together more beautifully than you could imagine. I want to live and love through you more powerfully than you have experienced. The windows of your heart will reflect the glory and goodness of My Presence and the doors of your heart will be open to receive and exude much more of My life.”
I’d like to say that I lived by that beautiful word and His perspective. I didn’t. I wallowed DEEP in shame, in anger, in self hatred and failure. I furiously pointed the finger at everyone (mostly my precious husband) that I could think of had caused my life to turn out this way.
Why did He have to choose the most dramatic and the way that I HATED to work out His plans in my life? Why did He have to choose this way in which looked like a complete and utter failure? Why did He have to lead us back to my parents place with three kids of our own? Couldn’t there have been another way?
My husband was not the problem. Other people were not the problem. God was not the problem. My way of doing life was the problem. My perspective was the problem. Though people and even the one closest to me had hurt me deeply, something much deeper was going on.
God was showing me, among many things, the high value I had placed on being successful, my reputation, and my value as a daughter of God being somehow connected to all of these things.
With the help of amazing therapists along the way, God unpacked my life. All I could do was stay still under the scalpel of the Great Physician. He knew exactly what to get at. He whispered and sang over me His love and that He knew exactly what He was doing.
I began to settle down and receive the healing in His way and in His timing. I rested under the mighty Hand of God and surrendered to not understanding why He had to choose this way.
I chose to stop having to understand. I began to take Him at His word. He was not doing this to punish me or put me to shame. When anything or anyone else would try to tell me differently, I refused to accept it. I returned once again to what HE had spoken. Perspective is everything!
For the last 4 months or so, I could feel the supernatural strength of God rising up within me. I heard in my innermost being the Spirit of God tell me, “Arise, My beloved. It’s time to get up. You have cried and mourned long enough. You have let Me tenderly take care of you and it’s time to rise up and move in Me.”
I can’t explain how utterly miraculous it feels to be on the other side of the darkness and insurmountable pain. I take it one step at a time as He continues to fan the flame that is lit. He didn’t snuff out the small flame that once existed. He blew His breath of life over the flame. It is being set ablaze once again and the love for My sweet, merciful and kind Jesus brings me to tears. He has caused me to stand in awe of His utter goodness and faithfulness.
I’m well aware that this is a long blog. Hang on for one minute more.
Answers to our prayers don’t always come in the way we’d like them to. The way to deeper healing is not always pain free. He doesn’t always give us the life we expect. He doesn’t always rescue us from the darkness.
Sometimes He chooses to lead us through the darkness, one step at time. In the darkness He gives us treasures. He gives us beauty for ashes. He gives us joy instead of a spirit of mourning or despair. He binds up our broken hearts and restores us. His goodness and mercy continually follows us all the days of our lives. Perspective is everything, dear friends. More importantly, His perspective is everything!
Your life in God is a journey. It’s a step by step process. You don’t do this alone. You are One with your faithful loving Papa; your friend and Redeemer Jesus Christ and His Spirit is alive and powerfully at work within you! You are poised to live from the place of victory! This is the true perspective. He is able to bring you to the places He has called you to. Hear the whisper of God, calling you to arise. For YOU are His beloved. It’s time to get up and move in Him.
